THE HOLIDAY

 

The holiday began shortly after we arrived. It was my birthday but I kept reassuring everyone that that was not why we were on holiday. It was not a birthday holiday. The fact that they coincided was pure coincidence, and the coincidence was totally coincidental. We would have been on holiday just the same if it hadn’t been my birthday, and it would have been my birthday had we not been on holiday. The two things did not need each other to justify their existence; they existed just the same. My two cousins were there, T__ and S__, with wives and kids, but everyone existed on their own terms. They sang me ‘Happy Birthday’ twice, just to make sure. I caught up with T__ and told him about everything that had happened, and all about the self-portrait in blood. He didn’t seem to think it was the absolute worst thing that anyone had ever done, which made feel me better, somewhat. We all chatted until we were too tired to chat any longer, before retiring to beds where the day ended with unconsciousness.

In Walsingham we took some photos of the kids facing a wall and then went to see the snowdrops. It was like a godless pilgrimage.

Everyone thought the snowdrops were amazing. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said T__*. He couldn’t believe it. “I know,” I said. “It’s incredible.” You may think that snowdrops are just silly little flowers, and they are but they’re not. There’s more going on there than just flowers. It’s like each little snowdrop is gently lifting up your soul to heaven. At least that’s what it felt like to me.

S__ took some pictures of a hornet hiding under a piece of bark. I have no idea what hornets do this time of year. I didn’t think they did anything, and this one wasn’t doing much, I have to say, just sort of sitting there with a menacing expression. S__’s been working hard on his photography and his hard work is really paying off. The results were pretty impressive. Later we saw a load of wood piled up like Christmas presents.

There was room at the inn so we went inside. Outside there were men talking in swear words. A priest walked by looking sheepish. R____ asked for a glass of milk so he could spill it and get another one. It was the first time I had ever asked for a glass of milk in a pub. And the second. We drew portraits of each other and asked each other what we thought of them.

In the evening R____ got his finger caught in a door and screamed like he had never screamed before. Wife was worried that he had broken it. Something bad always happens to him when we come here, but still we come. R____ didn’t look too happy about it all.

We didn’t do much in the morning, but played football. I was proud of myself that I won convincingly even though I was outnumbered three to one. At lunchtime we became indecisive about what to do for lunch. The choices seemed endless: eat out, packed lunch, eat in ... Actually that was pretty much it. There were those three choices. But it was hard choosing. I made up a song called The Kitty Dance and sang it at full volume marching through the house like the Pied Piper, with R____ and O______ following in my wake, and all the grown ups looking at me like I was crazy. I don’t know any more, but I tell you one thing. If I’m crazy now, I’ve always been crazy. After that we went to Holkham Beach. I’m just in a place right now where I have, like, zero desire to go to new places. It’s strange for me because usually I like to go to new places and get bored just going to the same places all the time, but not any more, it would seem. Not any more. It was mid-afternoon by the time we got there, and the sun already seemed to be setting. It’s the time of year when the sun always seems to be rising or setting, but never quite making it somehow. It was a perfect afternoon for photography and S__ was hard at work, perfecting his craft. The guy just doesn’t let up!

We had to carry R____ and O______ back on our shoulders because they had got their feet wet - against best advice - and were worried that they were going to get “hypothermia”. We played Truth or Dare as we walked back through the woods to the car park. “Truth or dare,” said O______. “Truth,” said S__. “Have you ever,” said O______, “fallen flat on your face?” “Yes,” said S__, prompting much hilarity from R____ who found this hilarious. “Truth or dare,” said R____, joining in. “Truth,” said S__. “Have you ever,” said R____, “fallen in a pile of poo?” 

I’d been to Oxburgh Hall before so it seemed like the perfect place to revisit. I told the kids it was haunted and took a photo of an unknown lady.

We went for a walk in the woods and took photos of the sunset and the children, both things beautiful, I suppose, at least in part, because of their transient nature. J___ spotted a tree trunk that looked like Mickey Mouse.

Walking back to the car was the loneliest sport in the world. C______ saw what she thought was a "bird of prey". "That's a seagull," said S__, laughing. But it wasn't a seagull. It was an owl, swooping in the darkening sky.

S__ said it was the best place like this that he’d ever been to, which it was hard to argue with. I couldn’t think of a better one, or at least a better time I’d had at one.

When we got home we toasted marshmallows and no one got burnt or scarred for life or anything. We looked up at the night sky, hoping to see shooting stars. C______ saw a couple, or at least she thought she did, or it might have been a bird, but the general vibe was one of disappointment. “Oh well,” said R____, “I guess I’ll just have to see a shooting star a different day.” It is one of the quite frustrating things about this life that you have to be very patient if you want to have rewarding experiences. It’s a hard lesson to learn, for young and old alike.

Late at night when everyone had gone to sleep I finished my triptych of drawings of me and S__. Then I went to sleep. It was late and everyone else was already there.

*T__ didn't really say this. I made it up.