Seen from a distance, London is looking more and more like a city from a dystopia. I have thought this a lot. Up close, it’s all right; it’s not too bad. It’s when you see it from a distance that the problems start.
Saturday, January 6, 2024
SMALL WHEEL (2018)
Walking down Lordship Lane this morning, I encountered a man. The man was pushing a wheelbarrow along the pavement towards me. The man was thickset. He had strong arms. He could probably have lifted me off the ground with just one of them. Inside the wheelbarrow was a small wheel, such as might be found on a pram or a child’s bicycle, and a blue plastic bag. The man walked past a tyre shop. On Lordship Lane, you see, there is an abundance of tyre shops. If you’re ever on Lordship Lane and you need a tyre you’re in luck. The man stopped and offered the small wheel to the men that worked in the tyre shop. He held the small wheel aloft with one of his strong arms, and raised his broad shoulders in a questioning manner, but the men in the tyre shop did not want the small wheel. The man placed the small wheel back into the wheelbarrow and continued on his way, pushing the wheelbarrow along the pavement, down Lordship Lane.
HOMEWORK (2018)
“Your homework is to learn one of the poems, and recite it to someone you love.”
“What if you don’t love anyone?”
“A mother, a father, a brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, lover. There must be someone you love.”
“Yeah.”
“And I also want you to recite it to an animal. If you don’t have an animal in the house with you, go outside and find a squirrel or a pigeon or a rat. Or, if you drive a few miles out of London there’s this place called the countryside, they have lots of animals there, cows, sheep, horses, even badgers, things like that.”
“What if you’re reciting it to a pigeon and it flies away. Is that all right?”
“No. You have to command its attention for the entire poem, or it doesn’t count. OK?”
“OK. But my mum’s going to think I’m smoking weed.”
“Well, that’s your homework. Take it or leave it.”
“What if you don’t love anyone?”
“A mother, a father, a brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, lover. There must be someone you love.”
“Yeah.”
“And I also want you to recite it to an animal. If you don’t have an animal in the house with you, go outside and find a squirrel or a pigeon or a rat. Or, if you drive a few miles out of London there’s this place called the countryside, they have lots of animals there, cows, sheep, horses, even badgers, things like that.”
“What if you’re reciting it to a pigeon and it flies away. Is that all right?”
“No. You have to command its attention for the entire poem, or it doesn’t count. OK?”
“OK. But my mum’s going to think I’m smoking weed.”
“Well, that’s your homework. Take it or leave it.”
DEIRDRE AND THE MAN (2018)
I am sitting next to a man who is texting a person named Deirdre. I try to read the texts over the man’s shoulder but all I can make out are the words "it won’t take me long to pack". Maybe Deirdre and the man are going on holiday. That’s nice.
Friday, January 5, 2024
VICTORY (2018)
“Take your coats off, please,” I said, to no one in particular.
“Can we leave them on?” said a girl, not unreasonably. It was cold. Outside was freezing and inside wasn’t much better. “It’s really cold.”
Maybe, if it were up to me, I would have just let them leave their coats on. After all, it was really cold. But the school was very firm on the subject: coats were not to be worn inside. It was one of the school rules: ‘Thou shalt not wear coats inside the school building.’ Of course, the rule only applied to children. Adults could wear what they liked, within reason; they could certainly wear a coat inside the building if they so wished. The school, then, effectively discriminated against people on the basis of age. The younger people had to follow a whole load of trivial and unnecessary rules with no discernible benefit, while the older people could do pretty much as they liked, within reason, as long as they fulfilled their professional duties. However, as the aforementioned professional duties did involve a great many trivial and unnecessary tasks, it could be argued that the two groups were more equal than first appeared. So, it wasn’t up to me. One of the trivial and unnecessary tasks that fell within the remit of my professional duties was making sure that the children didn’t wear their coats inside the school building. And, despite the fact that forcing someone to take their coat off was really a very strange thing to find yourself doing, after almost seven long years the habit had become deeply ingrained.
“It’s not that cold,” I said. “Take your coat off please.”
I have a habit, after I have given an order to a child, of turning and walking away in order to avoid any potential conflict that might ensue if the child refuses to do what I have asked them to do, and that is exactly what I did in this case. I walked around the room making sure everyone had taken their coat off. “Take your coat off, please,” I said to a boy, and the boy took his coat off. ‘Good boy,’ I thought to myself.
“Can you take your coat off, please,” I said to the girl from earlier, who still hadn’t taken her coat off. She looked at me like she just really didn’t want to take her coat off, and couldn’t I just let her wear her coat just this once, because it really was really cold, and please, it’s really cold, and you know I normally do take my coat off when you ask me to, and most of the time I take it off before you even have to ask, and does it really make any difference if I leave my coat on just this once? Please!
“If you don’t take your coat off,” I said, unmoved, “I’m going to have to give you a detention.” I looked at her sternly, or as sternly as I could manage. “This is your last chance.” She was the only one still wearing her coat now; everyone else had complied. I had to win this battle.
The girl looked at me like, OK, you’ve won this one. There’s no point getting in trouble over something so petty. I just really wanted to wear my coat because it’s cold, and I don’t see why you couldn’t have just given me a break, I mean, I’m usually good, and I’m polite, and I work hard, and I never give you shit like most of the others, but you win, well done, sir, you dick.
And then she took her coat off.
Victory.
“Can we leave them on?” said a girl, not unreasonably. It was cold. Outside was freezing and inside wasn’t much better. “It’s really cold.”
Maybe, if it were up to me, I would have just let them leave their coats on. After all, it was really cold. But the school was very firm on the subject: coats were not to be worn inside. It was one of the school rules: ‘Thou shalt not wear coats inside the school building.’ Of course, the rule only applied to children. Adults could wear what they liked, within reason; they could certainly wear a coat inside the building if they so wished. The school, then, effectively discriminated against people on the basis of age. The younger people had to follow a whole load of trivial and unnecessary rules with no discernible benefit, while the older people could do pretty much as they liked, within reason, as long as they fulfilled their professional duties. However, as the aforementioned professional duties did involve a great many trivial and unnecessary tasks, it could be argued that the two groups were more equal than first appeared. So, it wasn’t up to me. One of the trivial and unnecessary tasks that fell within the remit of my professional duties was making sure that the children didn’t wear their coats inside the school building. And, despite the fact that forcing someone to take their coat off was really a very strange thing to find yourself doing, after almost seven long years the habit had become deeply ingrained.
“It’s not that cold,” I said. “Take your coat off please.”
I have a habit, after I have given an order to a child, of turning and walking away in order to avoid any potential conflict that might ensue if the child refuses to do what I have asked them to do, and that is exactly what I did in this case. I walked around the room making sure everyone had taken their coat off. “Take your coat off, please,” I said to a boy, and the boy took his coat off. ‘Good boy,’ I thought to myself.
“Can you take your coat off, please,” I said to the girl from earlier, who still hadn’t taken her coat off. She looked at me like she just really didn’t want to take her coat off, and couldn’t I just let her wear her coat just this once, because it really was really cold, and please, it’s really cold, and you know I normally do take my coat off when you ask me to, and most of the time I take it off before you even have to ask, and does it really make any difference if I leave my coat on just this once? Please!
“If you don’t take your coat off,” I said, unmoved, “I’m going to have to give you a detention.” I looked at her sternly, or as sternly as I could manage. “This is your last chance.” She was the only one still wearing her coat now; everyone else had complied. I had to win this battle.
The girl looked at me like, OK, you’ve won this one. There’s no point getting in trouble over something so petty. I just really wanted to wear my coat because it’s cold, and I don’t see why you couldn’t have just given me a break, I mean, I’m usually good, and I’m polite, and I work hard, and I never give you shit like most of the others, but you win, well done, sir, you dick.
And then she took her coat off.
Victory.
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